Complex Conversations—How To Support Individuals Just Arriving To The DEI Table

Dr. Nika White • July 13, 2020

Someone earns the title of being an ally by “doing the work.” But, the process of allyship can be a tricky thing. Some people have been doing the work for a long time and some people are just arriving to the table this week.

I know this is going to be a tough topic and I’ll attempt to cover it as carefully as possible and share some perspectives. I don’t have the ultimate answers, only my perspective, and my experiences.

In the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion space, everyone has their own style and convictions with the work we do. For some people, it is to come across intense and combative in the attempts to take down the strong and inherent structures of racism. For others, they go about it more subtly. Others sit in the middle. Everyone has their own space within this work. And I respect that.

For me, I have felt it’s so important to create a balance between saying what needs to be said (without diluting the work), while also extending an amount of grace to people who are late to entering the conversation or not quite as knowledgeable.

Because the truth is, many people are just “waking up” to racism, privilege, and structural disenfranchisement.

Of course, it can be easy and ideal to work with companies and organizations who are already “awake and aware” of the concepts of unconscious bias and systemic racism. And our work would honestly be much easier if that were the case. But, it is not. Many times, people are just now coming to the DEI conversation.

In today’s post, I want to reflect and share some thoughts on the varied approaches and responses to potential allies who are just “coming to the table.”

It Can Be Hard to Face White Privilege

The reality is that it’s hard for White people to face white privilege. I understand that. The thing is—it should not be viewed as a burden or a source of guilt, but more of an opportunity. An opportunity to make a difference, to create a more equitable world.

I do feel that the more people grow their awareness of privilege, the more there can be unintentional shaming. I believe that’s a problem, but also an opportunity in our space.

For one example, last week I was on LinkedIn and a DEI practitioner was really bashing an organization saying, “I’m tired of you organizations putting out these statements standing in solidarity of the Black community, when you don’t have anyone in C-suite level or management level who is Black.”

First of all, I get it. And they are right.

There 100% needs to be more representation at the C-suite level (and all levels) with Black people and other People of Color.

But our work is the work of progress and process.

Do we attack the organization? Or do we help facilitate them into that new future?

I believe we find ways to support them so that next year when we have this conversation, they now have BIPOC in C-suite roles and look back on these conversations as things from the past.

Another example is that I sometimes see DEI practitioners say, “OK, I’ve seen you put out these BLM statements but never once before did you do anything for communities of color. So why should we trust you now?”

Again, I get it. I do. And you are right in your hesitance to trust. But, we must extend grace in that they could be *just now* getting the revelation and the awareness towards equity. Everyone is always on their own path of learning.

That said, the lack of awareness does not exonerate us from others experiencing the consequences of our actions. This is why this work must be done and why we must facilitate the shift in the best way we can.

So even if at first it feels “just like talk” I like to ask… since they are “in it” now, what are we going to do with that?

Are we going to push them away by attacking them? Or are we going to facilitate to help create that new future? How do we support their shift into the new reality we desire?

Supporting The Change

My main goal—is that instead of demonizing people for potential and initial performative actions, how do we make sure we provide support and guidance so the change they make is real and the words they put out have weight to stand on?

I think it first begins with us really recognizing and standing firmly that “the main goal is the main goal.”

And the main goal is to work towards creating equity in society, business, and life.

The main goal is NOT to weaponize people right now or cause them to back away, but it is to facilitate them to do the hard work at its core. Where it’s not just about activity, but about impact.

For more resources and actionable tips on creating impact—including connecting your policies to your goals, conducting inclusive culture audits, and creating diversity resource plans—here’s a whitepaper I did on Activity vs. Impact: Five Ways To Boost Success In Diversity Initiatives.

Personally, I have been encouraged by the shift and how people are asking about DEI services more and more. It used to be quick requests of “I need a training” or “I need an assessment” or even “I need a way for my Black colleagues to stop complaining about discrimination”.

Now, it’s more action-oriented and people are coming to the table with a more long-term attitude after experiencing a paradigm shift around this work.

Instead of those quick requests, people are now saying:

“Hey, Nika. We need a plan that can expand over multiple years and goes over all elements of our organization so we can deliver on DEI in everything that we do.”

To me, that sounds much better and sounds like we’re making some progress. Let’s not hinder that progress because we might have to take steps back because we aren’t giving people a safe way to enter the conversation.

We Can’t Only Lead With Our Emotions

This may not be a popular belief, but sometimes we have to quiet our egos and emotions and lead with intellect.

There would be no point (and frankly no jobs) in the DEI world if we expected people to “get it” right out of the gate. And if that means the entryway into the conversation is allowing people to not be at a place where we’d ideally like them to be… then again, we must extend grace.

As DEI practitioners, we can’t come across as expecting people just to get this immediately. People have been conditioned to operate as they are and our job is to support and create the shift in their mindset and actions.

Do we attack or denigrate them? Or do we find ways to engage them and build trust—and use that trust to help shift the world?

Navigating this concept is difficult. Some people will think I’m not being true to the work, and others will agree with me.

But, we can’t just go around throwing anger, aggression, or extreme judgment at people. If people feel attacked, they’re not going to engage. Some people can have that more aggressive approach, but I think that is potentially going to diminish the efforts of the entire effort.

If we react too emotionally when doing this intense work, where our outcomes are tied to business data and results, it can hamper our ultimate goal of equity for reactivity in the moment.

This is why I say to lead with intellect first, and not just emotions.

So, How Can You Support “Newly Aware” Leaders and Stakeholders?

The truth is that now is the time. Leaders are more open than ever to take guidance from their Chief DEI officers, Heads of Diversity, HR leaders, and/or DEI consultants.

Let’s leverage that to the best of our ability. Let’s strike while the iron is hot.

As practitioners, we must be willing to go on this journey with our clients. If we’re trying to manage up with our internal stakeholders and hoping for them to immediately “get it”, it’s going to be a more difficult journey.

We are there to consult and support the shift.  As people unlearn the historical, unconscious, and systematized systems of inequity, we must help them to think about some of those tough subjects they haven’t been able to broach or understand.

That said, it doesn’t mean that everyone is going to say “Yes! We’re going to do this work and do everything you said right away!” These are business leaders too and they have to make many critical decisions all the time and while DEI is critically important (and what I’m most passionate about), they have to also currently make decisions around Covid-19, the economy, hiring and firing, running the business, etc — so don’t neglect that. Extend patience to the people we are working with.

I think as DEI practitioners and HR professionals, we need to be willing to manage up and say to those C-suite leaders that right now the voice of DEI doesn’t necessarily have to be the DEI person… It has to be YOU, Mr. CEO or Mrs. CEO. You need to own carrying that banner, and all those who are direct reports will follow the lead.

I always say, “We don’t have to own the intent, but we have to own the impact.”

I think that leaders of all types are getting a taste of that… what does it mean to own the impact?

And that can be pretty heavy for people too. Many people think “I’m not the one who invented racism” and yes, you didn’t invent it, but you are benefiting from it. If you are a white person in society today, you are benefiting from the history and systems of racism. So, even if you didn’t participate in or invent the systems, you do benefit from them. So own the impact.

The Time Is Now.

I can’t repeat this enough. Everything in DEI is so complex. But, it’s time to rise to the occasion. People are open to it. It’s time to be willing to broach the conversation we’ve been holding onto for the perfect storm to occur.

Right now, this is the perfect storm.

We must not be diehard that one way is the only way. Or that everyone must be perfect. It’s just too difficult, too vast, and too complex.

Again, as I always say and repeat, we must extend grace and always focus on the long-run, ultimate outcome of equity.

We have nowhere to go but up.

The question is—how do we blend these varied approaches (where we both denigrate the current racism and biases but also create a supportive space for action) where we are doing it and then getting impact and some results?

How do we extend that grace and compassion for those who are just now open to engaging in this journey?

It’s an ongoing process that involves education, communication, compassion, and work. And I encourage you to join the shift and the journey.

Read more from The Human Shift on Substack, where I share long-form essays on leadership, culture, and how we work and live.

Share this Content:

The Emotional Tone You Leave Behind - Why people often remember the feeling more than the conversation

By Nika White • August 17, 2026
Most leaders spend a lot of time thinking about what they're going to say. They prepare for difficult conversations. They organize their thoughts. They choose their words carefully. All of that matters. But long after people forget the details of the conversation, they usually remember something else. They remember how they felt. Did they leave feeling encouraged? Did they leave feeling smaller? Did they leave feeling trusted? Did they leave feeling like they had to be careful? Earlier in The Human Shift, we explored the idea of leadership aftermath. What people carry after interacting with you shapes culture in ways that are easy to overlook because they happen quietly. Most leaders don't intentionally create emotional tone. They create it anyway. A Reframe Every interaction leaves something behind. The question isn't whether you're shaping the emotional climate. It's what you're leaving in it. One Simple Practice At the end of your next one-on-one meeting, don't evaluate what you said first. Instead ask yourself: "If I were on the other side of that conversation, how would I describe how it felt?" Notice what comes to mind before you analyze it. What This Looks Like In Practice A leader finishes a performance conversation feeling relieved because she finally addressed a difficult issue. Later that day she asks herself how the conversation may have felt for the employee. She realizes she spent most of the meeting explaining expectations and very little time asking questions. The next conversation feels different because she changes the experience, not just the message. Question to Consider When people leave a conversation with you, what do you hope they carry with them? In the shift, Dr. Nika White P.S. Think about a leader you've never forgotten. What do you remember most: what they said or how they consistently made you feel?

When People Stop Bringing You Problems - Why This Isn't Always a Sign of Progress

By Nika White • August 10, 2026
Leaders often celebrate when complaints decrease. Concerns become less frequent. Questions slow down. Conflict seems to disappear. Sometimes that's a sign of growth. Sometimes it's a sign that people have stopped bringing things forward. Earlier in The Human Shift, When Teams Stop Telling You Things , we explored silence as a cultural signal. Silence is not always agreement. Sometimes it is adaptation. People learn what feels worth raising. What feels safe to discuss. What is likely to go nowhere. A Reframe A lack of problems does not automatically mean a healthy culture. One Simple Practice Ask someone you trust: "What is something people may be hesitant to tell me?" Listen without defending. What This Looks Like In Practice A leader notices fewer concerns being raised in meetings. Instead of assuming everything is fine, she creates space for honest conversation. What emerges isn't crisis. It's information that had simply been waiting for a safer place to surface. Question to Consider What information might be missing from the conversations you're having? In the shift, Dr. Nika White P.S. When people disagree with you, do they usually tell you?

The Difference Between Being Busy and Being Engaged Why Activity Can Sometimes Hide Disconnection

By Nika White • August 4, 2026
Many people end the day feeling exhausted. Their calendar was full. Their inbox was active. Their attention was constantly moving. Yet when asked what mattered most about the day, they hesitate. Activity and engagement are not the same thing. One creates motion. The other creates meaning. Earlier in The Human Shift, The Subtle Drift Into Disconnection, we explored how disconnection often develops through small moments. One of those moments occurs when activity becomes so constant that reflection disappears. A Reframe Being busy answers the question, "What did I do?" Being engaged answers the question, "What mattered?" One Simple Practice At the end of the day, ask yourself: "What was the most meaningful moment today?" Write down the answer. What This Looks Like In Practice A leader begins ending each workday with a short reflection. After a few weeks, she notices that the moments she remembers most are rarely the busiest ones. They're the conversations. The insights. The moments of connection. Question to Consider If someone asked what mattered most about your day yesterday, what would you say? In the shift, Dr. Nika White P.S. What is one meaningful moment from this week that you don't want to forget?

The Problem With Always Being Available - Why Accessibility and Capacity are not the Same Thing

By Nika White • July 27, 2026
Many leaders pride themselves on being available. Their door is open. Their inbox is monitored. Their phone is always nearby. The intention is usually good. But constant availability can create unintended consequences. People begin relying on immediate access instead of developing judgment. Leaders become increasingly interrupted. Everyone feels busy. Few people feel clear. Earlier in The Human Shift, When Responsibility Becomes Identity we explored how constant availability often grows from the belief that leadership means being accessible at all times. A Reframe Being available is not the same thing as being supportive. One Simple Practice Choose one part of your day where you are intentionally unavailable. Protect it. Use that time for thinking, reflection, or focused work. What This Looks Like In Practice A leader blocks ninety minutes each morning for uninterrupted work. Initially, people push back. Within a few weeks, team members begin solving more problems independently and bringing better questions when they do connect. Question to Consider What might your team learn if you were slightly less available? In the shift, Dr. Nika White P.S. What is one boundary you've been reluctant to establish?

When Trust Starts to Erode - The Small Moments Leaders Often Overlook

By Nika White • July 20, 2026
Trust rarely disappears overnight. Most of the time, it fades gradually. A missed follow-up. A rushed response. A concern that never gets revisited. A promise that seemed small at the time. People often think trust is built through big moments. In reality, it is shaped through consistency. Earlier in The Human Shift, The Weight of Unspoken Expectations, we explored leadership aftermath and what people carry after interactions. Trust is often built or weakened in those moments long after the conversation ends. A Reframe Trust is less about grand gestures and more about repeated experiences. One Simple Practice Think about one commitment you've made recently. Follow up on it today. Even if the update is simply: "I haven't forgotten." What This Looks Like In Practice A leader tells a team member she'll revisit a concern. Weeks pass. The concern itself becomes less important than the silence. When she circles back, even without a complete answer, trust begins to repair. Question to Consider What commitment have you made that someone may still be waiting on? In the shift, Dr. Nika White P.S. When someone earns your trust, what do they consistently do?

The Need to Be Understood - Why Some Leaders Spend Too Much Energy Explaining Themselves

By Nika White • July 13, 2026
Most leaders want to be understood. That's normal. The challenge comes when the need to be understood starts driving the conversation. You explain again. You provide more context. You clarify your intentions. You revisit the decision. And yet somehow, you still leave feeling misunderstood. Earlier in The Human Shift, The Stories We Tell Under Pressure, we explored how pressure shapes the stories we tell ourselves. One of the most common stories leaders carry is: "If people understood me better, this would be easier." Sometimes that's true. Sometimes the real issue is that understanding and agreement are not the same thing. A Reframe Being understood is valuable. Needing everyone to understand you can become exhausting. One Simple Practice The next time you feel the urge to explain yourself again, pause and ask: "Am I seeking clarity, or am I seeking validation?" Answer honestly. What This Looks Like In Practice A leader shares a decision with her team. A few people disagree. Her first instinct is to keep explaining the reasoning. Instead, she allows the disagreement to exist without trying to resolve everyone's discomfort. The conversation becomes more productive because she is no longer trying to manage every reaction. Question to Consider Where are you spending energy trying to be understood by people who have already heard you? In the shift, Dr. Nika White P.S. What's something you've been explaining repeatedly that may not need another explanation?

When Everything Feels Important - The Hidden Cost of Carrying Too Much

By Nika White • July 6, 2026
One of the first signs that capacity is stretched isn't exhaustion. It's compression. Everything starts feeling equally important. Every email. Every request. Every conversation. Every decision. There is no hierarchy. Just urgency. Earlier in The Human Shift, The Cost of Constant Readiness , we explored how constant readiness changes perception. When the nervous system stays activated for too long, discernment becomes harder to access. The result is that everything begins competing for the same attention. A Reframe When everything feels urgent, the problem is often not workload. It's a lack of space. One Simple Practice At the beginning of your day, identify one thing that truly matters. Not three. Not five. One. Let that become your anchor. What This Looks Like In Practice A leader begins every morning reviewing a long list of tasks. By lunchtime, she feels behind. When she shifts her focus to identifying the most important outcome for the day, her decision-making improves and her stress decreases. The work doesn't disappear. The relationship to the work changes. Question to Consider What would happen if not everything deserved equal access to your attention? In the shift, Dr. Nika White P.S. What is taking up attention right now that may not actually deserve it?

The Difference Between Listening and Waiting - Why Conversations Break Down Even When Everyone is Talking

By Nika White • June 29, 2026
Many people think they're listening... What they're actually doing is waiting. Waiting to respond. Waiting to explain. Waiting to clarify. Waiting to prove they understand. We've all done it. The challenge is that people can feel the difference. When someone feels truly heard, their nervous system settles. When they feel managed, redirected, or rushed, something else happens. Earlier in The Human Shift, When Teams Stop Telling You Things, we explored how silence often becomes a cultural signal. Many people stop sharing because they've learned they are being heard only enough to move the conversation forward. A Reframe Listening is not gathering information. Listening is creating enough space for understanding to emerge. One Simple Practice In your next conversation, wait three seconds after someone finishes speaking before responding. Just three seconds. Notice what happens. What This Looks Like In Practice A leader receives feedback from a team member. Instead of immediately explaining her perspective, she pauses. The employee continues talking. What emerged in those few extra seconds was the actual concern. Not the polished version. The real one. Question to Consider How often are you listening to understand versus listening to respond? In the shift, Dr. Nika White P.S. When was the last time someone made you feel completely heard?

When Your Presence Changes the Room - Why Leadership Starts Before You Say a Word

By Nika White • June 22, 2026
Most leaders pay attention to what they're going to say. The agenda. The feedback. The decision. The update. What often gets overlooked is what people experience before any of those things happen. They notice your pace. Your energy. Your level of tension. Whether you seem rushed or grounded. Whether you're fully there or already thinking about the next meeting. Earlier in The Human Shift, Culture is What People Carry Home, we explored how culture is shaped by what people carry after interactions. Before people carry anything away, they're already responding to what they experience in your presence. A Reframe Presence isn't something you add to leadership. It is leadership. One Simple Practice Before your next meeting, pause for ten seconds before speaking. Take one slow breath. Notice your feet on the floor. Then begin. What This Looks Like In Practice A leader enters a meeting feeling rushed after back-to-back conversations. Instead of immediately jumping into the agenda, she takes a moment to settle herself. The meeting itself doesn't change dramatically. The experience does. People become less reactive. The conversation slows just enough to become more thoughtful. Question to Consider What do people experience when they enter a room with you? In the shift, Dr. Nika White P.S. Think about your last meeting. What do you think people felt from you before you even started speaking?

The Energy Behind Your Leadership - Why how you show up matters more than how much you do

By Nika White • June 15, 2026
Leaders often focus on effort. Working harder. Doing more. Giving more. But effort is not the only variable. Energy matters. The tone you bring into a meeting. The pace of your communication. The steadiness of your presence. Earlier in The Human Shift, The Body Knows Before The Mind Does, we explored how the body communicates before words. Energy is often what people remember most. A Reframe Leadership is not only what you do. It is what people experience in your presence. One Simple Practice Before your next interaction, ask: “What energy am I bringing into this?” Then adjust—slightly. Question to Consider What do people consistently feel after interacting with you? What This Looks Like In Practice In leadership and culture work, energy is one of the most overlooked drivers of performance and trust. It shapes how work feels—and how people engage. In the shift, Dr. Nika White P.S. If your team described your leadership in one word based on how it feels, what would they say?